Ruminating day. Chewing over the PhD process, digesting the things that are going on at the moment. Brushing, brushing, spritzing and combing my hair. The fuzz that results is not the best look, but it clears out the fairy knots in my brain. Also, a little bit of displacement activity today, procrastinating on other work that has become one of those obstacles. Of course, I know how to combat this block, have many times before, it will happen. Use a timer, a list, and the incentive of getting it off my plate so that I can focus on thesis, teaching, and getting ready for baby. With the strongest of these being baby, but it involves waiting, so in the meantime, thesis and teaching it is. With heartburn:)
Chewing: how the space inside has grown and become clearer during this six and whatever years. How this is reflected in my writing and thinking and being-supervised process. I obviously do work, the document and the time shows this. And, there is a lazy and impatient sprite that rushes ahead. Doesn’t define the terms methodically. Doesn’t want to wait around doing yet another lit review. Doesn’t want to explain and clarify. Wants to just throw the idea out there. And probably be applauded for it:) Or just have it accepted.
But the process has been largely this: what do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? Over and over for six years. Yes, but what does that mean? Why does that matter? Why would you say that?
Which of course, is excellent supervisory practice:) It does mean that it is a continual nudging, pushing, stretching. But what does that mean? Why should I care about that? Do you know what you mean?
On the down days that has introspected me to lean over the chasm: what do i Mean? Maybe I don’t mean anything. There is nothing. After all the work and thinking and reading and writing, maybe I am a hollow shrug and there is nothing to say.
But I keep going. Ruminating on the spaces that have been opened through this challenge and push: that it’s not good enough to be the top of the class, or near the top, in dance or English or writing in a small undergrad course or a small country town:) That throwing an idea and a phrase at people, or many of them, is not enough. So the laziness is challenged. I have to face it. Sometimes being good doesn’t cut it. What was good isn’t enough. More clarity. More work.
And work is good. I do actually like work. Even though there are these displaced days, procrastinatory times, I have worked and I do work and it is satisfying. There is, even, a part of me that likes the challenge. What does that mean? How can I write that section so they get it? Skipping ahead means I also miss out on doing my idea some service. Those lazy/dazzling/skipping habits are old, I can see the echoes in the space where achievement and performance was a way of feeling loved. But not always working that hard for it.
Sometimes, though. I guess going to dance class six days a week for years of childhood is work. I did do all of those essays and presentations. It’s not complete laziness:)
There *is* no objective standard of how much work, what is the standard, when will this be accepted. All I know with this thesis is that I am still being pushed to keep going, so I mustn’t be there yet.
I have been wanting to get these revisions in before baby comes in July. Not that life ever seems to particularly care about plans:) But that has been my drive. I want to keep the drive, even though my supervisors are letting me know there is still a really substantial amount of work to do on these revisions.
It will be what it will be. Wrangling to try and avoid being charged for being ‘overtime’ by taking a leave of absence. I think what the administrators are saying could be illegal in a couple of ways. So used to these impersonal, bullshit responses from systems. So if I can avoid drama and avoid that I will. But I am working. Dragging the lazy sprite. All that work. Finishing for the sake of the thing.